Recipe For Disaster
by Blazing Pink
Summary: Sanji is sick, so someone needs to replace him until he feels better. Can't you just smell the trouble already?
1. Sanji Catches a Cold

Author's Note: I came up with this story when me and my parents were vacationing in Europe during Christmas break. I had gotten a cold while on our stay, and the gears in my head just started turning and voila! This story was born. Enjoy!

Chapter One

Sanji Catches a Cold

The first thing that he noticed when he woke up was his stuffed nose. It was so stuffed, that it was a miracle that he was still alive after he had slept the whole night while breathing through his nose. The second thing that he noticed was how hot he felt. He felt that you could crack an egg and fry it on him. That's how hot he felt. The third thing he noticed was the dizziness as he sat up. The whole room began spinning round and round nonstop. It made his stomach feel a little upset. The final thing he noticed was his sore throat. It hurt a lot when he swallowed. He coughed a little, which made his throat hurt even more.

_Ah, hell,_ thought Sanji in dismay, _I've caught a cold._ He sat there, trying to recall his thoughts of how he could've gotten a cold. None of the other crewmates were sick, so the possibility of catching a cold from one of them was out of the question. Then he remembered. Just yesterday, the Going Merry crew had visited a town for supplies. While there, Sanji had decided to visit a bar just for the heck of it. When he entered, he immediately saw a small group of gorgeous women. In less than a minute, Sanji ended up cooing all of them. While he was busy flirting with them, one of the women stayed a few feet apart from them. She said that she had a small cold and didn't want any of them to catch it. Sanji dismissed this as being shy and moved closer towards her despite her objections.

_Idiot! _Sanji thought to himself. _Why didn't you listen to her? Now you have this stupid cold!_ Sanji sighed and, realizing that there wasn't anything else he can do, got out of his hammock and went upstairs to prepare breakfast.

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Preparing breakfast was a living hell for Sanji. Not only was the whole room spinning and he ended up swaying, but he kept sneezing, sometimes barely missing the food he was cooking. He felt miserable and just wanted to go back to sleep.

"Is everything alright, Sanji?" asked Nami as she came into the kitchen. "You've been sneezing an awful lot this morning."

"Oh, I'm fine, Nami –san," said Sanji as he blew his nose into a tissue, "really." Nami didn't look convinced.

"You've been swaying a lot, too."

"Oh, that? That's, um…that's a little dance routine I've been practicing." Sanji started moving around in order to convince Nami, but only ended up collapsing into a nearby chair.

"Sanji! Are you alright!?" Nami rushed up to Sanji.

"Don't worry, Nami-swan," said Sanji, "I just tripped, that's all." Sanji tried to stand up but only ended up collapsing back into the chair. Nami placed her hand over Sanji's forehead (which made him feel quite happy, by the way).

"You're burning up! I knew it! You're sick!" Nami stepped back.

"Nami-swan, I'm fine. Really." Sanji tried to stand up again, but before he collapsed again, Nami grabbed his right arm and placed it around her neck so that Sanji had some balance.

"You need to rest. Right now," said Nami in her usual strict voice.

"But Nami-swan, what about breakfast?"

"I'll deal with that later. We can't have you running around with a cold and getting everyone sick."

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"Everyone, I'm afraid we have some bad news." Nami had called the rest of the crew into the kitchen. Luffy looked at her in dismay.

"Bad news? Oh no! We ran out of meat, didn't we!?"

"NO!" Nami said annoyingly. "The bad news is that Sanji's sick and we need someone to replace him until he feels better."

"Not me," said Zoro, "I'm no good at this cooking stuff."

"No one asked you to cook!" yelled Nami, getting angrier at every minute.

"Then I'll cook!" said Luffy eagerly.

"Oh no!" said Usopp, horrified. "There's no way you're cooking for us! You'll probably make something disgusting and we'll die from it!"

"Ah, come on, Usopp!" said Luffy with his usual big grin. "You haven't even tasted my cooking yet!"

"And I'm not planning to!"

"Will you two shut up!?" yelled Nami. "Fine, we'll let Luffy cook. I just hope it'll be something good."

"Oh boy!" said Luffy as he got up and ran into the kitchen. "This is gonna be fun!" A few crashes and bonks were heard from inside the kitchen. "Hey Nami? Where are the frying pans?" Luffy opened one of the cupboards and a stack of plates crashed on top of him. "OW!" Nami sighed.

"I think this is a bad idea."


	2. What The Hell Did Luffy Make?

Chapter Two

What The Hell Did Luffy Make!?

KABOOM! The explosion from the kitchen was heard from everywhere on the ship. Nami quickly ran from the girl's cabin and into the kitchen. The kitchen was a huge mess. There were shattered plates all over the floor, food was all over the table, the frying pans were completely covered in grease, and something green and yellow were splattered on the wall. Luffy turned around at the sound of the kitchen door being opened.

"Hi, Nami!" said Luffy as he waved a very dirty and bent spatula.

"Luffy, what the hell did you do to this place!?" Nami was completely shocked at the sight of the kitchen. She didn't know what to think.

"Just making breakfast, that's all." Luffy said with his usual grin. For the first time Nami noticed something boiling in a pot on the stove. She walked closer and peeked into it and gasped. What was inside the pot was something she could not identify. It was lumpy and was the color of snot. Big, green bubbles popped on it. It looked like something that someone had puked up.

"Luffy," said Nami as she backed away from it, "what the hell are you making!?"

"'Luffy's Breakfast Surprise!'" said Luffy proudly, "it contains peas, chunks of meat, left over rice, some brown stuff that I found at the back of a cupboard, more chunks of meat-"

"Please spare me the details!" said Nami as she ran out of the kitchen, her hand over her mouth.

"Huh. What got into her?" Luffy shrugged and resumed his cooking.

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Later that same morning, Luffy called everyone for breakfast. They all had to brush off the bits of food that were on the table and chairs.

"Shitty-cook's not going to be happy about this," said Zoro as he eyed the messy kitchen, "it's going to be your funeral soon, Luffy."

"I'll clean up later," said Luffy as he walked towards the stove. Zoro only shrugged as he sat down. Luffy came back carrying the pot. The "Luffy's Breakfast Surprise" was no longer snot-green, but cement-grey. Nami sweated a little when she saw it.

"What," said Usopp, pointing at the food, "in the name of God, is that, Luffy?"

"'Luffy's Breakfast Surprise!'" said Luffy happily. "It contains-"

"SPARE ME THE DETAILS!" screamed Nami as she covered her ears. Everyone stared at her.

"So, Luffy," said Chopper, finally breaking the silence, "does it taste good?"

"I don't know. I haven't tried it." Luffy got out a wooded spoon and dipped it into the muck. He than took out the spoon and ate what was on it. Everyone sat in silence as they watched Luffy chew the food. The air got tense when Luffy swallowed.

"Well, Luffy?" asked Zoro. For a minute, Luffy was silent.

"IT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED!" Luffy's uproar caused Usopp and Chopper to fall from their chairs from fright.

"Well, if Captain-san likes it, then I guess it can't be that bad," said Robin as she scooped the muck onto her plate.

"Uh…well, alright. I'll try it," said Nami as she got up and did the same thing. Usopp was the only one who didn't fill his plate.

"I'm not trying that stuff!" said Usopp. "Luffy will eat just about anything so there's no way that stuff can be good!"

"Come on, Usopp," said Zoro, "it can't be that bad." At the exact moment when everyone tasted Luffy's food, hell broke lose. Zoro quickly grabbed the pitcher that was on the countertop and chugged down the water. Nami covered her mouth and ran towards the bathroom. Chopper fell on his back and started making choking noises. Robin's face turned blue and fainted.

"Aha!" cried Usopp in triumph. "I knew that stuff was no good! Once again, the brave Captain Usopp is victorious!" Luffy looked around in confusion.

"But it's really good! What's wrong with you guys?"

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"Ah-choo!" Sanji blew his nose into the tissue. He was lying on the couch in the boy's cabin with a blanket over him and a pillow under his head. The floor was completely covered by crumpled up used tissues. He had used up so many tissues, that he had lost count. Sanji lay there miserably. His head hurt and whenever he stood up to use the bathroom, the room spun. Yep, this was the worst cold he had ever had.

"Hey, Sanji! Breakfast time!" Luffy had just came into the cabin, holding a plate of food. Sanji sat up. "Ew, look at these tissues!" said Luffy as he walked across the room.

"Too bad for you," said Sanji annoyingly, "I can't pick them up and throw them away because whenever I stand up, the room starts spinning. Either you pick them up yourself, or get used to it."

"I'm not touching your snotty tissues!" said Luffy. He handed the plate to Sanji.

"Uh, Luffy," said Sanji as he eyed the grey muck on his plate, "what is this?"

"'Luffy's Breakfast Surprise!' It contains peas, chunks of meat, left over rice, some brown stuff that I found at the end of a cupboard, more chunks of meat-"

"Wait, wait, and wait,"interrupted Sanji, "brown stuff? What brown stuff?"

"I have no idea. I just found it laying there and decided to use it in my cooking." Sanji sighed. Without any doubt, this stuff could kill him.

"What does it taste like?"

"It tastes delicious!"

"What did the others think of it?"

"They didn't like it too much." Luffy did told Sanji what had happened earlier when the others had tasted the muck. Sanji looked down at his plate.

"You know, I don't really have much of an appetite right now."

"That's okay! I'll eat it for you!"

"Ah-choo!"

"EW! Sanji, you sneezed all over it! I'm not eating that!" Before Sanji could stop him, Luffy walked out of the cabin. Sanji looked at his plate once more and stood up. The room spun but he didn't care anymore. He went into the bathroom and flushed the food down the toilet. Normally Sanji hated wasting food, but in this case, he couldn't risk Luffy accidently poisoning him.

Moral of this chapter: Eating anything that Luffy made may be hazardous for your health.


	3. Screwed Up Dream

Author's Note: Thanks for reviewing! It makes me really happy that people are enjoying this story!

Chapter Three

The Most Screwed Up Dream Sanji Ever Had

"Right, we need someone else to cook this time."

"What!? But I thought I was the replacement cook!"

"Not anymore! What you made yesterday was disgusting! Next time you'll probably make something that'll kill us!" It was morning the next day. Nami was discussing with the rest of the crew of who was going to cook today. This made Luffy outraged since he really thought that "Luffy's Breakfast Surprise" was really good. Everyone else thought otherwise. "Zoro, you'll be cooking for us today."

"What!? Why me? I already told you that I'm not good at cooking!"

"It doesn't matter! Whatever you'll make has to be better than what Luffy made!" Zoro shuddered at the memory of the muck that Luffy fed them.

"Fine," he said, finally giving up, "I'll cook something if that's what you want." He went into the kitchen and started rummaging through it. The kitchen was exactly the same as it was yesterday; shattered plates, food everywhere, and the green and yellow stuff were still splattered on the wall. Even upon close inspection Zoro could not tell what the green and yellow stuff were. He wanted to ask Luffy, but decided against it.

"Hey, Luffy! Where the hell did you the pot that you were using yesterday?"

"It's in one of the cupboards!"

"Why did you put it in a cupboard?" Silence. "Luffy?"

"You know, I don't have the slightest idea!"

"Idiot." Zoro searched through the cupboards until he found the pot. He then picked out the frying pan that had less grease on it than the other frying pans. It was time to get to work.

Everyone sat down at the table when it was time to eat. Nami went up to Zoro to see what he made.

"Zoro," said Nami as she peered down on the food, "this looks like exactly what Luffy made yesterday. Only brown."

"I told you I'm not a very good cook!" said Zoro angrily. "Besides, I bet it tastes better than Luffy's cooking." Nami sighed.

"Fine, but someone needs to taste it to make sure it's good."

"Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me! I'll do it!" said Luffy eagerly as he got out of his chair.

"NO!" shouted everyone else. Usopp got up and tackled Luffy.

"There's no way you'll taste that!" said Usopp as he tried to hold on to Luffy. "After what happened yesterday, I'll never trust your taste buds ever again!"

"But you didn't even try my cooking!" said Luffy as he tried to squirm out of Usopp's grasp.

"Fine, I'll taste it if it'll make you happy!" said Zoro. He got out the wooden spoon, dipped it into the food, and tasted it. Upon tasting the food, Zoro started coughing.

"I knew that wouldn't taste good," said Nami, crossing her arms.

"It's bitter, but –cough! - it's a lot better –hack! - than Luffy's cooking," said Zoro. He quickly grabbed the nearest drinking glass, filled it with water from the faucet, and drank it down.

"I don't really care what it tastes like," said Usopp, "as long as it's not something that Luffy made."

"I don't get why you guys don't like my cooking," pouted Luffy. Everyone ignored him and started eating Zoro's bitter (but better tasting) food.

Sanji had the weirdest dream that morning. He had weird dreams before, of course, but this was far the most screwed up dream he had ever had. He later blamed this on his illness. In his dream, Sanji was standing on some sort of field. The grass and the few trees that dotted the field were purple. Yes, purple. Why? He did not know. In the field were sheep doing the Moonwalk, cows singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb," and hippos doing the can-can. As Sanji watched the strange animals, the earth suddenly trembled. Popping out of the earth like weeds were a dozen red lollipops. The all started heading towards Sanji.

"Sanji!" said the lollipops in voices that sounded like Brooklyn gangsters with sore throats, "drop that cigarette and suck on us!" The way they said "suck on us" gave Sanji a very disturbing mental image. At first, Sanji didn't know what to do. After all, it wasn't everyday you saw talking lollipops coming towards you. Coming back to his senses, Sanji did the thing he did best; he kicked the lollipops and they snapped in half. Feeling satisfied with himself, Sanji began walking away. Suddenly, he heard something behind him. He turned around and saw that the lollipops had stood up. They each had new halves, so now instead of a dozen lollipops, there were now two dozen of them. Sanji backed away. He tried kicking them again, but that only caused them to multiply again. "SUCK ON US!" screamed the lollipops. Sanji turned and ran, seeing that that was the only option left for him. The lollipops chased after him. "SUCK ON US!"

"Hell no!" Sanji shouted back. "I'm not going to suck on you! Damn you lollipops! Damn you David Moo! Damn you Al Khan!" Sanji kept on running until a door appeared out of nowhere. Without thinking, Sanji opened the door, went inside, and slammed the door shut. Breathing heavily, Sanji wiped the sweat off his brow, thinking that it was all over.

"Hi, Sanji!" Sanji turned around and gasped. He was in some sort of room and in that room with him were his crewmates. Except they weren't exactly themselves. Luffy had four heads and was dancing around. Zoro was wearing a pink tutu and was doing ballet. Nami had melted into a puddle, screaming, "I melted! I melted!" Usopp was the head of a motorcycle gang and was zooming around on his motorcycle with a metal bar in his hand while wearing a leather jacket, torn up jeans, and dark sunglasses. Chopper had apparently turned into a mutant because he had six arms and three eyes. Robin was the only one who was normal…unless you counted her having the body of a dragon. As Sanji gawked at this freakish sight, he happened to look down and realize that he had no clothes on. Suddenly, a black hole appeared below him and he began falling down, down, down… Sanji woke up with a start. He was still on the couch in the boy's cabin, the blanket over him, lying on his side with his back towards the door. For a few seconds Sanji lay there, trying to recall what he had just dreamed about. When he finally remembered the screwed up dream, the first words that came out of his mouth were, "What the hell?"

"So you're finally awake." Sanji turned around and saw Zoro standing beside the couch, a plate of food in his hand.

"What are you doing here?" asked Sanji as he sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"I _was_ going to leave your plate here when I saw you sleeping," said Zoro, "but then you started talking in your sleep. I think you were saying… 'I'm not going to suck on you?'" Sanji froze. Of all the people that could hear him talking in his sleep, why did it have to be Zoro!? Sanji groaned.

"You better not breathe a word about this to anyone, Marimo!" said Sanji menacingly.

"I wasn't planning to, Shitty-Cook," said Zoro annoyingly, "what were you dreaming about anyway?" Sanji was about to tell him about the purple field, the strange animals, and the lollipops, until he remembered that Zoro wore a pink tutu and did ballet in his dream. Sanji almost laughed out loud until he covered his mouth with his hand. "What?" asked Zoro, who was now confused. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," smirked Sanji, "it's best I didn't tell you." Zoro mumbled "Whatever," and handed the plate to Sanji. Sanji eyed the brown food. "This looks exactly like-"

"What Luffy made. I know," interrupted Zoro. He was getting tired of everyone telling him how his cooking resembled Luffy's cooking. "It tastes better than Luffy's cooking, however."

"How do I know you're not trying to poison me?" asked Sanji suspiciously.

"When you eat the food. If you don't die, then it wasn't poisoned. If you do die, then it was poisoned."

"Very funny," grumbled Sanji as he took the bite out of his food. He then immediately started coughing.

"How is it?"

"Bitter!"

"At least it's not Luffy's cooking." Zoro turned around to leave. "I hope you get better soon." Sanji nearly choked on his food. What the hell did Zoro just say to him? "I hope you get better soon?" Was he also sick? "You snore when you sleep with your mouth open." At this statement, Sanji grabbed his pillow and threw it at Zoro. It hit him right in the back of the head.

"You think _I_ snore!?" yelled Sanji. "Try listening to yourself, then you can decide who snores!" Zoro picked up the pillow and threw it at Sanji. It hit him straight in the face. Soon, the room began spinning again and Sanji collapsed on his back. Looks like it was a bad idea for him to yell like that.

Author's Note: Yeah, I put some 4kids reference in Sanji's dream. It seemed like a good idea since it was supposed to be somewhat of a nightmare. Before any of you ask, this wasn't a yaoi moment between Zoro and Sanji. It was just you're everyday Sanji-and-Zoro-get-on-each-other's-nerves moment. Sorry, fangirls.


	4. The Food Costs How Much?

Author's Note: Sorry that I didn't make Zoro a secretly awesome cook like some of you hoped him to be. I just never thought of Zoro being an awesome cook. But thanks for the reviews! You guys rock! Also, if you're interested in what other One Piece fanfics I'm planning to write in the future, just click on my penname and look under, "Plans for Future Fics." The fanfic "Loyalty and Pain" is currently being written in my notebook. Anyway, enjoy chapter 4!

Chapter Four

The Food Costs _How_ Much!?

"Since you two knuckleheads don't know how to cook, that means I'll have to be the replacement cook."

"Ah, come on, Nami! Can't I cook again?"

"For the last time, Luffy! The answer is 'no!'" It was morning the following day. Once again, Nami had to choose who would be cooking today. Since Luffy turned out to be a dangerous failer and Zoro had no talent in cooking, Nami decided that it was up to her to feed the hungry crew. After all, she did do some cooking before she met Luffy and Zoro. "I'll be in the kitchen making breakfast."

"Hey, Nami!" Luffy ran up to Nami. "Since you won't let me be the replacement cook, can I be the assistant cook instead?"

"NO!" said Nami before slamming the door in Luffy's face. The kitchen was as messy as before. Nami shuddered when she saw the green and yellow stuff splattered on the wall. Whatever it was, she did NOT want to know. Nami opened one of the cupboards and jumped back. A stack of dirty plates crashed onto the floor from the cupboard. _So Zoro decided not to wash the dishes, did he? _Nami thought hotly. _He's worse than Luffy! At least Luffy licked the plates clean! Wait…HE LICKED THE PLATES!?_ Nami felt a little nauseous. How could have she been so stupid as to forget that the plates that the food were on were the exact same ones that Luffy had licked? _Well, there's nothing I can do about it now._ Nami looked at the greasy frying pans. _I just wish he at least cleaned the frying pans._

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"Okay, guys, it's time for breakfast!" Nami had made omelets and sausages. The delicious smell had filled the entire kitchen. Luffy began drooling uncontrollably. He grabbed a fork and began wolfing it down.

"This is delicious!" said Luffy.

"Don't talk with your mouth open!" Nami smacked Luffy in the back of his head.

"He's right. This is really good," said Usopp.

"Good job, Nami," said Robin.

"Thank you!" said Nami. Then she smiled a rather evil smile. A dark look filled her eyes.

"Uh oh," said Usopp when he saw her eyes, "I don't like that look."

"I hope you guys have enough berries on you," said Nami sinisterly, "because that food costs 30,000 berries!" Everyone spat out their food.

"WHAT!?"

"You heard me." said Nami in a non joking voice. "Each of you has to pay me 30,000 berries for the food. Except for Robin, of course."

"No fair!" said Luffy. "How come Robin doesn't have to pay?"

"Because she's my friend," said Nami, smiley sweetly.

"I'm not paying you!" said Zoro. "I already owe you money, and there's no way I owe you more!"

"I refuse to eat this food!" said Usopp.

"Too late. You already took a bite out of it. You'll have to pay up." Nami picked up a plate of non eaten food. "I'm going to give Sanji his breakfast now. See you!" As Nami walked out, the rest of crew sat there, dumbfounded. Robin was the only one who continued to eat her food.

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The room spun round nonstop. It has been this way ever since he woke up. Sanji felt miserable. This was the worst dizziness he had ever encountered. When he stood up earlier that morning to use the bathroom, the room was spinning so much that Sanji began swaying uncontrollably.

"What the hell?" said Usopp when he had woken up and saw Sanji swaying. "Sanji, are you _dancing?_" Even after lying down, the room still spun. Sanji had hoped that when the others were eating breakfast, the dizziness would stop. It didn't. Sanji sighed. When was this damn cold going to go away?

"Sanji? Are you awake?" Sanji's spirits rose when he heard Nami's voice. His darling Nami-swan was coming to feed him breakfast!

"Nami-swan!" said Sanji when he saw Nami. "I'm so glad you came!" Sanji sat up and the dizziness got even worse, but he didn't care.

"How are you feeling, Sanji?"

"The whole room is spinning, but that doesn't matter!" said Sanji happily. The cartoony hearts appeared. Nami only shook her head. Sanji was still the same, even when he lay sick.

"I brought you breakfast. You don't have to worry about Luffy and Zoro's cooking anymore. I'm the one who's cooking right now." Nami handed the plate to Sanji.

"Nami-swan, this is excellent!" said Sanji as he took a bite out of Nami's cooking.

"I'm glad you like it," smiled Nami.

"Nami-swan, after I get better, will you be the assistant cook?"

"No thanks. I already got my hands full as being the charter and navigator." Soon, Sanji finished eating his breakfast. This was the first time he had actually finished eating something after he had gotten sick. "Was it really that good?" asked Nami.

"It was perfect!" said Sanji. "Nami-swan, you're a goddess!"

"Thanks. That'll be 30,000 berries." Silence filled the room as Sanji tried to grasp at what Nami had just said.

"…Huh?"

"I said, 'That'll be 30,000 berries,'" repeated Nami.

"30,000 BERRIES!?" yelled Sanji in surprise. The dizziness got worse.

"That's right. That's how much you have to pay for the food."

"B-b-but Nami-swan! I don't have that kind of money!" The room started spinning faster and faster.

"Then you'll either have to work for me or puke up the food you just ate." Soon, the dizziness became too much for Sanji. Sanji yelled, "Mellorine!" before losing consciousness. Nami stood there for a minute, staring at the passed out cook, before finally picking up the plate and headed towards the door.

"I think I was a bit too harsh on him."

Author's Note: Sorry if this chapter isn't really that funny. I had time deciding what Nami should do, unlike Luffy and Zoro, who were very easy for me. Next chapter will be funnier, though.


	5. Usopp Almost Burns Down the Ship

Chapter Five

The Brave Captain Usopp Nearly Burns Down the Ship

"Good morning, everyone!" said Nami cheerfully the following day. "Who's hungry?"

"Nami, as captain of this ship, I've decided that you shouldn't cook anymore," said Luffy.

"Yeah!" agreed Usopp. "We're not going to eat your cooking since it costs a ridiculous amount of money!"

"Fine, cheapskates," said Nami, not really caring at all, "but you still have to pay for the food yesterday." Everyone groaned. It was bad enough that their cook was sick, but now Nami had added insult to injury. "Right. Who's going to cook today?"

"I will!" said Usopp before Luffy even had a chance to open his mouth. "I'm actually a pretty good cook. I used to hunt and cook ferocious animals back in my childhood to feed my village!"

"Really, Usopp!?" asked Chopper, stars filling his eyes.

"Really!" said Usopp. "They didn't call me 'The Brave Captain Usopp' for nothing!"

"Right, now 'The Brave Captain Usopp' needs to go into the kitchen and make us something good!" said Nami as she pushed Usopp.

"Alright, alright! Stop pushing!" said Usopp as he headed towards the kitchen. Before he went in, Usopp turned around to face the crew and said, "It is an honor for me to cook for you! The Brave Captain Usopp is afraid of nothing! Not even that green and yellow stuff that Luffy splattered on the wall!"

"GET COOKING, YOU IDIOT!" screamed Nami. Usopp winced and went inside the kitchen. He stood there and pondered on what he should cook.

"I know!" said Usopp. "I'll make a delicious turkey feast! Now, let's see if we still have some turkey left over." It never occurred to Usopp why anyone would have a turkey feast for breakfast. Usopp found a whole turkey and put on a tray. He then put the tray on the stove and turned on the heat. "There!" said Usopp. "Now, I'll just have to wait for a minutes to let it heat up." Usopp grabbed a nearby towel, wiped his hands, and threw the towel over his shoulder. He thought that the towel had landed in the sink, but what he did not realize is that the towel landed on the stove.

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"Hey, aren't you supposed to be cooking?" asked Nami when she saw Usopp standing outside of the kitchen.

"I am" said Usopp, "I'm just waiting for the turkey to heat up."

"Turkey?"

"I'm making a turkey feast."

"Why would anyone want a turkey feast for breakfast?" Nami asked as she opened the kitchen door. Black smoke came out. Nami started coughing and her eyes watered. Usopp screamed. The stove was completely on fire! "Usopp! Cough! What did you –hack! - do!?"

"I don't know!" cried Usopp. "It wasn't like that when I left!" Luffy, Zoro, Chopper, and Robin ran up to see what was happening.

"What the hell!?" said Zoro.

"Whoa!" said Luffy.

"AUUGHH!" screamed Chopper. "THE SHIP IS GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE!"

"Usopp, if the fire doesn't kill you, then I will!" yelled Nami. Chopper began running around in circles screaming, "What do we do!? What do we do!? What do we do!?" Robin was the only one who was calm. She stood there, trying to think of a way to put out the fire.

"Luffy, go into the kitchen and fill yourself up with water!" Robin finally said.

"What?" said Luffy, confused at what Robin had just said.

"Just do it! Don't get burned, though!" Luffy went into the kitchen and headed towards the sink. The sink was next to the burning stove. Careful not to get too close to the fire, Luffy turned on the faucet and began drinking the water. He stopped when his body became extremely large.

"Now what?" asked Luffy.

"Twist yourself so that the water will spray out of your mouth and onto the fire!" said Robin.

"Oh! I get it now!" said Luffy, finally understanding. He did exactly what Robin told him to do. In about a minute, the fire was put out. Everyone sighed with relief. The stove, tray, and turkey were now completely black and gave out an unpleasant burnt smell. Usopp picked up the tray and stared at what he thought was going to be a turkey feast. The next minute, Usopp found himself with his back against the wall with a swollen cheek and a bloody nose. Nami stood with a raised fist.

"You dumbass!" yelled Nami as she kicked poor Usopp in the shins. "You almost burnt down the ship! What the hell were you thinking!?" Nami began delivering more punches at Usopp. Zoro had to hold her back in order to prevent her from killing Usopp. Luffy came up to Usopp and grabbed a burnt leg from the turkey. He took a bite out of it.

"You know," said Luffy as he swallowed the burnt flesh of the turkey, "this isn't half bad!"

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Sanji had coughing fits the entire morning. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get to sleep because of them. Not even the coughing medicine that Chopper left for him seemed to be working. Another miserable day. Sanji sat up when he detected the smell of something burnt. Did something catch on fire? Just then, Usopp came in. He had his hands behind his back and the smell came from him.

"What –cough! - happened to –cough! - you?" asked Sanji when he noticed that Usopp's cheek was swollen.

"Uh, nothing! Nothing at all!" said Usopp nervously. "Listen, I'm afraid we won't be having breakfast today."

"Why –cough! - not?" Usopp sweated a little.

"You see, Sanji," began Usopp nervously, "I was supposed to be cooking today and, well, uh, the food accidently got…burnt." Usopp then revealed what he was hiding behind his back. It was the tray with the burnt turkey on it. Sanji snatched the tray from Usopp's hands and stared at the black turkey.

"How the hell –cough! - did you manage –cough! - to burn it like this?" Usopp sweated even more. He gulped.

"Well, uh, you see, the stove sort of caught on fire-"

"THE STOVE –COUGH! - CAUGHT ON FIRE!?" screamed Sanji. Usopp jumped back. "You mean to tell me that –cough! - you burned down my stove!?"

"I didn't burn down the stove!" said Usopp, who was sweating so much that a puddle appeared underneath him. "The stove is still there! It's just…uh…all black now."

"GET OUT!" yelled Sanji. "Get the –cough! - hell out of –hack! - here and never –cough, hack! - come back again!" Usopp turned and ran. "And take your –hack! - burnt turkey with you!" Sanji threw the turkey and tray at Usopp. They barely missed his head. Sanji laid back down on the couch and coughed some more. The whole kitchen was being sent to Hell.


	6. Damn You All!

Author's Note: Just so you know, I changed the title for my future fic "Loyalty and Pain" to "Hell on Earth." I think it sounds better that way. Also, check out my new One Piece fic, "Of Cooking and Soccer."

Chapter Six

Damn You All!

"Nami, can I try cooking today?" asked Chopper the following day. Sanji was still sick and someone needed to be the new replacement cook since the previous four didn't work out. Chopper had come up to Nami when he saw her coming out of the girl's cabin to ask her his question.

"Well, that depends, Chopper," said Nami, "can you cook?"

"Well, I can't really cook anything, but I can prepare something."

"Hm…okay, you can give it a try if you want."

"Yay!" Chopper ran into the kitchen. He opened the icebox and got out a head of cabbage, lettuce, tomatoes, and turnips. He then took out a knife and started chopping the vegetables.

"I sure hope the others will like this," said Chopper as he began placing the veggies onto the plates.

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"Ch-Chopper! What is this!?" Luffy gawked at his plate of chopped up cabbage, lettuce, tomato, and turnip. Everyone else had already sat down and started eating.

"What's wrong, Luffy?" asked Chopper, looking at Luffy in confusion. "Don't you like vegetables?"

"Like vegetables!?" said Luffy. "I like meat, not this!" Chopper winced.

"I don't really know how to cook," said Chopper, "and reindeer don't eat meat, so why would I prepare meat?"

"Because I wanted meat!" said Luffy. The captain looked like he was about to cry.

"Just shut up, will you!?" said Nami, looking very annoyed. "So you don't get to eat meat today! Is that really a big deal? Besides, I was thinking of going on a diet anyway." Luffy put his head on the table and said nothing.

"You're acting like a baby," said Zoro as he ate his breakfast. Chopper glanced at Luffy before picking up an untouched plate.

"I'm going to give Sanji his breakfast now."

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Sanji felt sick that morning. His stomach was feeling upset ever since he first woke up. He wasn't sure if he could eat anything today. Sanji turned his head when he heard Chopper's footsteps entering the cabin.

"Sanji, I brought you breakfast! How are you feeling?"

"Awful," said Sanji, not even bothering to sit up, "I don't think I can eat anything today."

"Well, I'll just leave the plate on the table for you," said Chopper. "The medicine isn't helping much, is it?"

"Nope," said Sanji, "but don't feel guilty. I'm sure I'll feel better in no-" Suddenly, Sanji leaped off of the couch and ran straight into the bathroom. There, he collapsed on his knees and threw up in the toilet.

"SANJI!" Chopper ran into the bathroom and stood beside his sick friend.

"I'm fine," said Sanji, "just an upset stomach, that's-" Sanji threw up again. Chopper started to panic. Just then, Zoro, Luffy, and Usopp walked into the cabin. Luffy had gotten over the fact that Chopper served them vegetables and had eaten his breakfast.

"What's wrong with Sanji?" asked Luffy when he saw Sanji sitting next the toilet, "did Nature just called?"

"No, you idiot!" said Sanji angrily. "I'm throwing-" Sanji threw up in the toilet for the third time.

"I don't think Nature called him," said Zoro, "I think Sanji's pregnant." Luffy and Usopp started laughing so hard, they collapsed on the floor.

"It's not funny!" shouted Chopper. Luffy and Usopp picked themselves up, still laughing hard. Sanji stared angrily at them.

"Very funny! I hope someday you throw up so I can laugh-" Once again, Sanji threw up.

"Hee hee! That's a good one, Zoro!" said Luffy.

"But really, Sanji," said Usopp, wiping the tears from his eyes, "we are worried about you. Honestly!"

"Yeah, Sanji!" said Luffy. "Get better soon!" As Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp walked past the bathroom, Luffy and Usopp couldn't help but laugh again at Zoro's remark. Sanji heard them and before throwing up for the fifth time, yelled, "Damn you all!"

Author's Note: Sorry if this is a bit short. Poor Sanji, getting no respect at all.


	7. The Best Replacement Cook

Chapter Seven

The Best Replacement Cook

Robin woke up early the next morning. Nami was still sleeping, so Robin had to walk quietly so she wouldn't wake up her crewmate. Robin went inside the kitchen and used her Devil Fruit powers to get all of the ingredients and utensils that she wanted. After getting everything, Robin began cooking.

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Nami yawned as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Robin was nowhere in sight but she took no notice of this. She had to decide who the replacement cook for today would be since Sanji was probably still sick. As she opened the cabin door to go outside, Nami noticed that there was a strange smell in the air. The smell was coming from the kitchen. Nami went in and saw a frying pan on the stove (which miraculously worked, despite the fact that it was burned and black).

"Good morning, Navigator-san." Robin was standing by the sink, washing a bowl.

"Good morning, Robin. It sure smells nice in here. Are you cooking something?" Robin nodded.

"I'm making pancakes. They should be ready soon. I'll call you and the others when it's time, okay?" Nami nodded and left the kitchen. Judging by the smell, Robin should do fine as a replacement cook.

_And I didn't even have to say anything!_ Nami thought when she realized that Robin had taken over the kitchen on her own will.

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"Wow, something smells good!" The others had woken up and were on deck. Luffy started drooling when he smelled Robin's pancakes.

"Something _does _smell good," said Zoro, "who's cooking?"

"Robin," answered Nami.

"Really?!" said Chopper, eyes wide.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" asked Luffy eagerly. "Let's go eat!" Luffy and the others went inside the kitchen. The table had six plates of pancakes on it. Robin was already eating her plate of pancakes.

"Looks like I didn't have to call you at all," smiled Robin. Luffy stared hungrily at the pancakes. He sat down and was about to eat when Usopp grabbed the plate away from him.

"Hold on a minute!" said Usopp. He made eye contact with Robin. "These pancakes aren't some disgusting crap that'll have dire consequences, are they?"

"No," answered Robin calmly.

"Do we have to pay for them?"

"No."

"Why are you so suspicious?" asked Nami angrily. "I know Robin's cooking will be good. At least she didn't nearly burn down the ship like _someone_ I know!"

"Yeah!" said Luffy. "Now, gimme back my pancakes!" He snatched the plate from Usopp's grasp and started eating. Everyone else sat down and also started eating.

"Robin, this is delicious!" said Nami.

"Yeah, this is almost as good as meat!" said Luffy with his mouth full.

"Fine, I'll admit I was wrong," said Usopp.

"Thank you," said Robin, smiling. She stood up and picked up a plate that was on the counter. "I'll go and see if Cook-san will agree with my cooking." When Robin left, Zoro got up and searched through the kitchen until he found a bottle of rum. He sat back down at his seat and started drinking right out of the bottle. Luffy had come up behind him.

"Those pancakes were good, weren't they, Zoro?" asked Luffy as he slapped Zoro right on the back. Zoro spat out the rum right on the table and started coughing.

"EW!" cried Nami when some of the rum landed on her pancakes.

"Luffy, you – cough, cough! - dumbass!" shouted Zoro. Luffy backed away from the coughing swordsman. Zoro stood up and glared at the boy. "I'm going to – hack! – murder you!" Luffy ran out of the kitchen screaming when Zoro got out his swords and started chasing him.

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Sanji was feeling a lot better that morning. All night he had been throwing up, rarely getting any sleep. On top of all that, he had to deal with Zoro, who kept on saying stuff like, "So, who's the father?" or, "When are you expecting?" If Sanji didn't feel like shit, he would've kicked the swordsman right in the face. He would have also kicked Luffy and Usopp for laughing at Zoro's jokes. For the entire time, Sanji felt that Chopper was his only friend. The little reindeer kept on yelling at the three idiots to shut up and that the jokes weren't funny. When Sanji did finally get to sleep, he dreamt that he was with a bunch of beautiful women. It was the best dream he had ever had. Well, maybe not the best, but at least it was better than the lollipop dream. That morning, when Luffy, Usopp, Zoro, and Chopper had woken up, Sanji was still asleep, dreaming about the beautiful women. Luffy, being as stupid as he was, went up to the sleeping cook, placed his face right next to Sanji's, and yelled at the top of his lungs, "GOOD MORNING, SANJI!" After nearly getting a heart attack, Sanji angrily kicked Luffy so hard, that the captain went flying across the room and crashed into the wall. Sanji turned over on the couch, muttered something about feeding Luffy to the sharks, and went back to sleep. Now he was awake and he felt better than ever. Sanji sat up when he heard a knock on the door.

"Cook-san, may I come in?" Sanji's heart jumped. Robin-chan!

"Of course you may, Robin-chan!" said Sanji happily. Robin came in with a plate of pancakes in her hands. "Those smell good."

"They are good," said Robin, "the others liked them very much." Sanji took a bite out of Robin's cooking.

"These are delicious!" said Sanji. "Robin-chan, did you make these?"

"Yes, I did. Are you feeling any better?"

"Yes. I think that I'll be able to cook again tomorrow."

"That's good to hear." Outside, someone yelled and another person shouted, "Get back here!"

"Uh…is something going on?" asked Sanji.

"I don't know," said Robin, "something must've happened when I left." The yelling got louder.

"I'm guessing it has something to do with Luffy," said Sanji.

"You're probably right." Just then, there was a loud, "Gomu Gomu no Bazooka!" and Luffy crashed through the door, tumbled down the stairs, and landed head first into the wastebasket…that was full of Sanji's used tissues.

"AUGH!" screamed Luffy. "My head's stuck in the wastebasket and I'm breathing in Sanji's snotty tissues! Gross!" As Luffy tried to get the wastebasket off of his head, Zoro came barging into the cabin.

"There you are!" Zoro jumped on Luffy and a cloud of dust formed as they fought. The cloud of dust then rolled out of the cabin and out on deck. There was a painful scream from Luffy and everything was silent.

"Okay…" said Sanji, "that was awkward."

"I think I better go now," said Robin as she left the cabin.


	8. Here We Go Again

Author's Note: I'm afraid to say that this is the final chapter of "Recipe For Disaster." I'm very sorry about ending the story. I had a lot of fun writing this story and I loved the reviews you guys gave me. But do not fear! Even though this is the end of "Recipe for Disaster," I won't stop writing fics! So keep your eyes peeled for future fics!

Chapter Eight

Here We Go Again

"…Son of a…" Sanji stared at the disaster area that used to be his kitchen. Shattered plates were all over the floor, the table was covered with food, the stove was all burnt up, and the wall was splattered with green and yellow stuff. What _was _that green and yellow stuff, anyway? Sanji stared at the kitchen again. His pride and joy, his one true love (besides Nami and Robin), was ruined.

Destroyed.

Sabotaged.

Sent to Hell.

Sanji felt his hands turn to fists. Anger filled him up. He wanted to kick the crap out of Luffy for destroying the kitchen. He wanted to kick the crap out of Usopp for burning the stove. But today he couldn't. Today Sanji was feeling better. He could now cook for the crew again. Everyone was happy to hear this. Except there was one small problem: Everyone had caught Sanji's cold. Sanji took a deep breath, releasing all of the anger from inside of him, and started cooking.

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"Ah-choo!" Nami blew her nose into her tissue. The floor of the girl's cabin was littered with used tissues. Nami and Robin lay in their hammocks, both of them sick and sneezing. Robin occasionally had to put away her book so she wouldn't sneeze on it. A knock came from the door.

"Come in," said Nami miserably. Sanji entered, carrying two plates in his hands.

"Nami-swan! Robin-chan! Breakfast is ready!" said the love cook. He handed each of the two girls a plate.

"Thank you, Cook-san," said Robin. "This is chicken soup, right?"

"Correct, Robin-chan! Chicken soup is the best food for treating a cold! I don't know why the morons didn't think of making it!" Of course, by "morons," Sanji meant the guys.

"Thank you, Sanji," said Nami as she began eating. "You know what? For making this, I'll let you off of your debt. You now no longer owe me 30,000 berries."

"Really? Thank you, Nami-swan!" The cartoony hearts soon appeared.

"Tell the others that they still have to pay, though."

"Of course, Nami-swan!" Sanji left the cabin, saying, "Mellorine! Mellorine! Mellorine!" over and over again.

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"Guys, I just had the weirdest dream!"

"Save it, Luffy. My head's spinning and I'm not in the mood to listen what dreams you have."

"Ah, come on, Zoro! Are you sure you don't want to know?"

"Luffy, just – cough! – shut up, okay?"

"I don't feel good." Luffy, Zoro, Usopp, and Chopper were all lying in their hammocks. Luffy had just woken up, Zoro had a severe case of dizziness, Usopp had coughing fits, and Chopper's stomach was upset. They were all pretty miserable.

"Hey, morons! Are you ready for breakfast or are you too sick to eat?" Sanji had just entered the cabin, holding two plates while balancing two more on his arms.

"Hey, Sanji!" said Luffy. "I just had the weirdest dream! Wanna know what it was?"

"Luffy…" Zoro glared at Luffy, but the rubber boy ignored him.

"I dreamt that we were on some kind of island and we were all naked!" Everyone stared at him.

"I don't think –cough! - we needed to –cough! - know that," said Usopp. Sanji handed his sick crewmates their plates.

"Oh, and before I forget, Nami-swan told me to tell you this," said Sanji, smirking. "I no longer owe her money, but you guys still do."

"What!?" said Luffy in disbelief. "But that's not fair!"

"Well, maybe if you cooked something good for her, then you wouldn't have to owe her any money!" said Sanji angrily. "Oh yeah, I also found out what that brown stuff was that you put in your cooking, Luffy. It was mold." An awkward silence filled the room.

"Oh my-!" Chopper jumped out of his hammock, ran towards the bathroom, and threw up.

"Is Chopper pregnant now?" asked Luffy. Sanji kicked him in the back of his head.

"Before I leave, there's something I want to tell you," said Sanji, looking at Zoro. "Remember that dream I had that I wouldn't tell you?"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"Well, in that dream, you were wearing a pink tutu and doing ballet." Zoro stared at Sanji. Luffy and Usopp tried hard not to laugh.

"You have a sick mind, Shitty-Cook!" shouted Zoro.

"Hey, it's not my fault my brain does weird things when I'm asleep."

"And I'm gonna make sure your brain doesn't do it again!" Zoro got out of his hammock and was about to strangle Sanji when his dizziness got worse. The room started spinning out of control. The swordsman began to sway and collapsed on the floor face first, passing out cold.

"You knew that was –cough! - going to happen, didn't you?" asked Usopp. Sanji smirked at him.

"Of course. That was my revenge for saying that I snore." With that, Sanji turned around and left. It was going to be a lot of work for him to take care of his sick crewmates.

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Author's Note: Once again, that little moment with Sanji and Zoro wasn't yaoi. Sorry, but I don't write yaoi. Right, this was the final chapter, hope you enjoyed it, and look out for more fics from me! See you guys later!


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